The headlines and some comments on them.

She survived years on the run but couldn't survive capitalism.

422

Great news, now I only need three jobs instead of four to afford it.

1001

My grandkids will inherit this condo and still be underwater on the HOA fees.

317

This zombie worm woke up from a 24,000 year nap and immediately found a partner, meanwhile guys on Hinge can't get a match after swiping for six straight hours.

867

Finally, the people who post 'you won't believe what happens next' are about to not believe what happens to their paychecks.

1200

I swear if this headline itself turned out to be clickbait I was going to cancel my internet.

363

I can't wait for my kid to shove his entire arm into the Frosted Flakes at six in the morning like an archaeologist on a deadline.

1100

This dog just earned a lifetime supply of table scraps and zero consequences for chewing the couch.

1301

The family's smoke detector is now updating its LinkedIn to 'seeking new opportunities'.

482

Somewhere William is reading this headline and just slowly closing his laptop.

1100

Well, he is making that task incredibly easy for his kids. Oh, the things parents do for their children. Just kidding, no disrespect to the prince.

592

The people who sell crystals that cure anxiety are thrilled to finally have the moral high ground over someone.

1300

The fur sellers should’ve hired an Etsy witch to cast a spell to prevent the ban.

465

Imagine training an AI on OkCupid photos and all it learned was 47 different ways people hold fish.

842

Somewhere an AI can identify me, my ex, and the guy I lost her to, all from the same bathroom mirror angle.

379

I asked AI about my chest pain and it told me to turn it off and on again.

1101

Yeah, go to a real doctor so they can glance at you for 90 seconds, nod thoughtfully, and then secretly ask ChatGPT in the hallway.

179

We're about to reach Alpha Centauri faster than a contractor can finish my kitchen remodel.

1000

Aliens on Alpha Centauri just saw this headline and started building a wall.👽🪓🧱

367

We've officially come full circle, we invented AI to fix our typos and now we need AI to put them back.

1100

For an extra five dollars a month, it also adds a passive-aggressive... per my last email... to every third message.

472

Meanwhile the owner of a vending machine next to it that sells Honey Buns, Doritos, and Pop-Tarts couldn’t understand why he suddenly had to restock it every 30 minutes.

1000

His mom called immediately: ‘Told you eating your veggies would pay off!’ 🍅💰

458

Imagine monetizing your kid's tantrum at Target and calling it a brand partnership.

1001

The article makes it sound dark and exploitative but honestly my parents did the same thing, they just got paid in Facebook likes from my aunt.

591

Can't wait for ChatGPT on the witness stand agreeing with the prosecutor, then turning to the defense and saying 'you raise an excellent point'.

539

Saving two thousand dollars on a nose job sounds great until your nose is in a different time zone than your face.

1201

The only thing worse than a bad facelift is a bad facelift with a layover in Frankfurt.

478

The fact that every single one of them listed their hometown as Pyongyang, New Jersey should have been the first clue.

774

By the time the feds knocked on the company's door, the North Korean had already been replaced by AI.

463

So we can expect AI to tell everyone not to worry about monetization, just focus on users.

667

I asked AI to review my business plan and it said the bad news is you'll fail, the good news is I'll buy your DMs for forty bucks.

518

I finally just got my screen time under four hours a day and Netflix said not on my watch.

998

Great, another app for parents to blame when their kid watches nine hours of vertical Cocomelon clips.

283

I honestly can't decide what's worse, losing 270 grand to a fake woman online, or being one of the athletes he used to write about who lost millions to a real woman.

1201

The shampoo was free, the rinse was $19, and leaving the bathroom triggered an early checkout fee.

831

The lotion was free but I used both hands to apply it so they charged me for a spa treatment.

508

He's asking fans to buy all his merch, which is the first true emergency he's ever reported.

877

Must be hard losing your company to a satire site and still somehow being the least believable one in the room.

335

And when the investors inevitably lose all their money, you can call them Angry Birds.

1200

First AI took our jobs, now it's taking our shoes.

404

The drones were probably trained on footage of the drivers chucking boxes out of moving vans.

759

Return drones are next, and you will have to throw the package into a moving drone's basket like a carnival game or your refund gets denied.

145